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Who's On First? by Abbott And Costello
Abbott: How do youÂu0085how do you like my lawn club for St. Lou?
Costello: Hey, all those people gonna be at the game today?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Ah, this is gonna be a whopper of a game!
Abbott: Well it should be.
Costello: Hey, AbbottÂu0085
Abbott: What?
Costello: I understand they made you the manager of this here whole great team.
Abbott: Why not?
Costello: So you the manager?
Abbott: IÂm the manager!
Costello: Well, you know, IÂd like to know some of the guys names on the team so when I meet Âem on the street or in the ballpark IÂll be able to say, ÂHello, to those people.
Abbott: Why sure IÂll introduce you to the boys. They give Âem funny names though, St. Lou.
Costello: Oh I know they give those ball players awful funny names.
Abbott: Well, letÂs see, on the team we have uh WhoÂs on first, WhatÂs on second, I DonÂt Know is on thirdÂu0085
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You know the guys names?
Abbott: I sure do.
Costello: Then tell me the guys names.
Abbott: I say, WhoÂs on first, WhatÂs on second, I DonÂt KnowÂs on third and then youÂu0085
Costello: You the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You know the guys names?
Abbott: IÂm telling you their names!
Costello: Well whoÂs on first?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: Go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playin first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: What are you askin me for? IÂm askin you!
Abbott: IÂm not asking you, IÂm telling you.
Costello: You ainÂt tellin me nothinÂ. IÂm askin you, whoÂs on first?
Abbott: ThatÂs it!
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The guy on first base.
Abbott: ThatÂs his name.
Costello: ThatÂs whose name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: ThatÂs the manÂs name!
Costello: ThatÂs whose name?
Abbott: Yeah!
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me!
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: What are you askin me for? IÂm askin you, whoÂs on first?
Abbott: ThatÂs it.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: ThatÂs it.
Costello: WhatÂs the guyÂs name on first?
Abbott: No, WhatÂs on second.
Costello: IÂm not askin you whoÂs on second!
Abbott: WhoÂs on first.
Costello: ThatÂs what IÂm askin you! WhoÂs on first?
Abbott: Now wait a minute. DonÂtÂu0085donÂt change the players.
Costello: IÂm not changin nobody! I asked you a simple question. WhatÂs the guys name on first base?
Abbott: WhatÂs the guyÂs name on second base.
Costello: IÂm not askin you whoÂs on second!
Abbott: WhoÂs on first.
Costello: I donÂt know.
Abbott: HeÂs on third. Now weÂre not talking about him.
Costello: Look, you got a first baseman?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Then tell me the fellaÂs name playin first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playin first.
Abbott: ThatÂs his name.
Costello: WaitÂu0085WhatÂs the guyÂs name on first base?
Abbott: What is the guyÂs name on second base!
Costello: WhoÂs playin second?
Abbott: WhoÂs playin first.
Costello: I donÂt know.
Abbott: HeÂs on third base.
Costello: Look, when you pay off the first baseman every month, who do you pay the money to?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: Yeah. Look, you gotta pay the money to somebody on first base, donÂt you?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: Does he give you a receipt?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: How does he sign the receipt?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that you give the money to.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy you give the money to.
Abbott: ThatÂs how he signs it.
Costello: ThatÂs how who signs it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me!? Abbott: ThatÂs it.
Costello: ThatÂs who?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: When you give the guy the money, doesnÂt he have to sign the receipt?
Abbott: He does!
Costello: Well how does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy you give the money to.
Abbott: ThatÂs how he signs it!
Costello: You! YouÂu0085You just donÂt give money to someone without having Âem sign the receipt!
Abbott: No! Who signs it.
Costello: What are you askin me for?
Abbott: Now calm down. IÂm not asking you, I am telling you. TheÂu0085
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. WhatÂs the guyÂs name that signs the receipt on first base?
Abbott: Well now wait a minute. What signs his own receipt.
Costello: Who signs his own receipt?
Abbott: No, Who signs his.
Costello: IÂm askin you, when the guy on first base gives you a piece of paperÂu0085
Abbott: Yes, now waitÂu0085
Costello: Âu0085he puts his name on it.
Abbott: No, Who puts his name on itÂu0085
Costello: HowÂu0085
Abbott: Âu0085and what puts his name on itÂu0085
Costello: How does the fellaÂs name on first base look to you when he signs his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: To you.
Abbott: ThatÂs how it does.
Costello: How does it look to you?
Abbott: Who!
Costello: To you.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: To you.
Abbott: Who! LookÂu0085
Costello: When the guy signs his name, how does it look to you?
Abbott: Now thatÂs how it looks. Who.
Costello: HÂHowÂu0085Who?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: IÂm askin you. WhatÂs the guyÂs name on first base you give the money to?
Abbott: Who! After all, the manÂs entitled to itÂu0085
Costello: Who is?
Abbott: Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Whose wife?
Abbott: Yeah, sure.
Costello: All IÂm tryin to find out is whatÂs the guyÂs name on first baseÂu0085
Abbott: What is on second base.
Costello: IÂm not askin you whoÂs on second.
Abbott: WhoÂs on first.
Costello: I donÂt know.
Abbott: HeÂsÂu0085
Costello: Third base, I know.
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: You got a outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielderÂs name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought IÂd ask you.
Abbott: Well I just thought IÂd tell you.
Costello: The left fielderÂs name?
Abbott: Why!? Costello: HmmÂu0085Because!
Abbott: Oh, heÂs centerfield.
Costello: OhÂu0085
Abbott: Told you all these players gotÂu0085
Costello: All IÂm tryin to figure out is whatÂs the guyÂs name in leftfield.
Abbott: Now, WhatÂs on second.
Costello: IÂm not askin you whoÂs on second.
Abbott: WhoÂs on first.
Costello: I donÂt knowÂu0085
Both: Third base.
Costello: You got a pitcher on this team?
Abbott: WouldnÂt be a fine team without a pitcher.
Costello: WhatÂs his name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You donÂt want to tell me today?
Abbott: IÂm telling you.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!? Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me whoÂs pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is notÂu0085
Costello: IÂll break your arm, you say whoÂs on first! I want to know whatÂs the pitcherÂs name?
Abbott: WhatÂs on second.
Costello: I donÂt know.
Both: Third base!
Costello: You got a catcher?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The catcherÂs name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today. You donÂt wanna tell me, todayÂu0085tomorrowÂu0085do you?
Abbott: IÂm telling you.
Costello: So the catcherÂs name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today. And TomorrowÂs pitching.
Abbott: Now youÂve got it!
Costello: Now IÂve got itÂu0085
Abbott: Hey!
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team!
Abbott: Well I canÂt help that.
Costello: All right. You know now, IÂm a good catcher. Now, I get behind the plate andÂu0085and TomorrowÂs pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Now when he gets up, me being a good catcher, IÂm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So the guy bunts the ball. I pick up the ball; IÂm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now thatÂs the first thing youÂve said right.
Costello: I donÂt even know what IÂm talkin about!
Abbott: Well thatÂsÂu0085ThatÂs all you haveÂu0085
Costello: ThatÂs all I have to do is to throw the ball to first base. Now whoÂs got it?
Abbott: Naturally. Now youÂve got it.
Costello: I throw the ball to first base, somebodyÂs gotta get the ball! Now whoÂs got it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No, no, no, noÂu0085
Costello: He gets the ball. Naturally gets the ball andÂu0085NatÂ
Abbott: You throw the ball to first base.
Costello: Then who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No!
Costello: Naturally gets the ball andÂu0085andÂu0085
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: ThatÂs what IÂm saying!? Abbott: YouÂre not saying itÂu0085
Costello: I said, I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: No you donÂt!
Costello: I throw it to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: ThatÂs what IÂm saying!
Abbott: No it isnÂt.
Costello: I throw the ball to first base, somebodyÂs gotta get it.
Abbott: So Who gets it.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: ThatÂs it.
Costello: Okay. Now I ask you, who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Same as you!
Abbott: Now listenÂu0085
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who!? Costello: Then who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: He better get it! So I throw the ball to first base.
Abbott: All right.
Costello: Whoever gets it drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Now, Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I DonÂt Know. I DonÂt Know throws it back to Tomorrow, triple play.
Abbott: Could be.
Costello: Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Why? I donÂt know! HeÂs on third and I donÂt give a darn!
Abbott: WhatÂd you say?
Costello: I said, I donÂt give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, thatÂs our shortstop!