XANDER (Speaking):
Well, I can do an omelet, I've almost got that...
This is the man that I intend to entangle
Isn't he fine?
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle
Vengeance was mine!
But I'm out of the biz
The name I made, I'll trade for his
The only trouble is—
I'll never tell.
She is the one
She's such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace
Warm in the night when I'm right in her tight - -
Embrace! Tight embrace!
I'll never let her go
The love we've known can only grow
There's just one thing that—
No. I'll never tell.
ANYA AND XANDER:
Cause there's nothing to tell.
He snores
She wheezes
Say housework and he freezes
She eats these skeezy cheeses that I can't describe
I talk; he breezes
She doesn't know what please is
His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe!
ANYA AND XANDER:
The vibe gets kind of scary
Like she thinks I'm ordinary
Like it's all just temporary
Like her toes are kind of hairy
ANYA AND XANDER:
But it's all very well
Cause, God knows, I'll never tell!
When things get rough, he
Just hides behind his Buffy!
Now look, he's getting huffy
Cause he knows that I know.
She clings
She's needy
She's also really greedy
She never—
His eyes are beady!
This is my verse, hello?
She—
(Music Turns Funky)
ANYA (Spoken):
Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!
(They both do funky dancing)
ANYA AND XANDER:
You know
You're quite the charmer
My knight in armor
You're the cutest of the Scoobies
With your lips as red as rubies
And your firm, yet supple—
Tight embrace!
(More funky music and dancing)
He's swell
She's sweller
He'll always be my feller
That's why I'll never tell her that I'm petrified
I've read this tale
There's wedding, then betrayal
And I know there'll come the day I'll want to run and hide
ANYA AND XANDER:
I lied
I said it's easy
I've tried
But there's these fears I can't quell
Is she looking for a pot of gold?
Will I look good when I've gotten old?
Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful?
Will I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?
Am I crazy?
Am I dreamin'?
Am I marrying a demon?
ANYA AND XANDER:
We can really raise the beam in making marriage a hell!
So, thank God, I'll never tell!
I swear, that I'll never tell
My lips are sealed
I take the Fifth
Nothing to see
Move it along
ANYA AND XANDER:
I'll never

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