Hey there Claire.
Hey. Hiya. Hi.
This is weird.
I can see that.
But it's not what it looks like.
Can you put the bat down? No?
Please hold on, I'll explain.
(sung)
I will show you that I'm not insane.
Listen Claire, you will see
We are destiny.
Claire, I need you around me.
That's why I broke in your place.
That's why you came home and found me
With your panties pressed to my face.
Cause Claire,
You may not recall the day that we met.
But it's a day I'll never forget.
The Stop-n-Shop produce aisle
I got all wrapped up in your smile.
And then,
I bumped right into your leg with my cart.
And that bump started a song in my heart.
You turned and said What the hell?
And well, Claire, that's the moment I fell.
If it's a crime to follow a girl all the way home
And memorize her address.
Then I guess I am guilty
Of loving you to excess.
And Claire,
I may not be in very good shape.
But I can climb a fire escape.
And I am not dismayed
That you shut your living room shade.
Cause Claire,
I bought a real nice camera with zoom.
Found me a tree with a view of your room.
Claire Bear it makes me weep
That you look so cute when you sleep.
If it's a crime to take some pictures of a girl
In various states of undress
Then I guess I am guilty
Of loving you to excess.
I see eyeing up that window there, but Claire let me speak.
I'm not some psycho like that guy you took to Chili's last week.
He didn't even try to open up the door for you as you left the bar.
So I hit that asshole with my car.
And Claire,
I am a sweet and amorous guy.
I carved your name into my left thigh.
I wrote you a love haiku
Out of all the blood that I drew.
Then Claire,
I stole a mannequin from the mall.
Made me my very own Claire Bear doll.
But she stares at other guys
So I gave her two black eyes.
If it's a crime to take a doll into a restroom
And make a little bit of a mess,
Then I guess I am guilty
Of loving you to excess.
So Claire,
Just take my hand and please be my spouse.
We'll live in the bunker I built ‘neath my house.
We'll spoon in the candle light.
And I'll sniff your feet every night.
And Claire,
On Sundays I'll unlock you from your chain.
We'll have a nice dinner and sip champagne.
We'll make sweet love all night long
Just you… and me… and my mom.
If it's a crime to hold a girl's grandmother hostage
Until she agrees to say yes
Then I guess I am guilty.
I confess I am guilty.
Like sentenced to life guilty
Of loving you to excess.
(spoken)
So, what do you say Claire?

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