My name is Benjy Stone and 1954 was my favorite year
Not my best year, not the year I had the most success but my favorite year
It's the year that separated my life into before and after
You see, in 1954 I made the jump from smartass kid
from the deli pushing a joke with every cruller to Freshman Writer on TV's hottest show
The King Kaiser Comedy Cavalcade and every Saturday night at 8 p.m. we went on the air live!
Five minutes!
God, once, just once I wanted to sneak in and diddle the clocks
so we'd go on the air five minutes early so America would see the show before the show
But back then, they were a lot more careful about violence on television
I'm missing a button
This is crap!
Who's missing the last two pages?
They told me the caveman sketch was out
Would somebody shoot me!
Total crap!
Who ordered the black new sugar?
Together now, 5, 6, 7, 8!
Five minutes to go
Twenty million people
No, twenty million plus
Twenty million plus Americans watching us
Curling up on sofas
Calling in their pets
Passing out the popcorn
Turning on their television sets
Twenty million ordinary folks
And your careers go down the drain if they don't like the jokes
Ninety little minutes to get by
In front of twenty million people
Tonight!
That's King Kaiser, star of Comedy Cavalcade
A great guy
This is Crap!
Honest
And these are my fellow writers
Sy Benson, Headwriter, also known as the ulcer who walks like a man
And here's Alice Miller and Herb Lee, two people joined at the funny bone
Sy, these jokes are old enough to vote
You gotta make some cuts
No cuts!
Nobody touches my material!
Nobody!
Sy, you cut those dogs out of the monologue yet?
Dead and gone, King Baby!
Twenty million reasons
We're guaranteed to bomb
Twenty million small catastrophes
But we're calm
Facing every challenge
Performing at our peak
Ninety little minutes up the creek
In front of twenty million people
K.C. Downing, assistant to the producer
She's nuts about me
K.C., we all set for out regular date after the show?
Regular date, we don't have a regular date
We had one date, at which you completely humiliated me
I thought you liked my walrus impression
I was planning to eat those breadsticks!
I am love with the bread girl
It felt like paradise
It felt like war
It felt like
It felt like 1954
It was the best time I'd ever known
My first jokes were on the air
My first credits shining there
Benjy Stone
Benjy Stone
Benjy!
The telephone
Benjamin Darling, this is your mother
Mom, it's almost show time
I'm calling only to remind you're coming here for dinner tomorrow night
Yeah, I know
You bringing cake?
Oh, mom I'm kinda busy now
Cause if you are I'll tell Rookie that he shouldn't stop at
Coverment's when he picks up the newspaper in the morning
I'll bring cake, okay
Fruit or Crumb
Whatever you want
Benjamin Darling, I want whatever you want
Fruit would be better
Oi-oi-oi! The show is coming on
I can't talk right now
Kisses Benjamin,
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
Mwah, mwah, mwah!
It's Saturday night
I need a new zipper!
This is Crap!
Who's missing the last two pages?!
Oh my God!!
They told me they cut King Tut last night
Oh my God!!
Would somebody shoot me here and now!
If only we had another week
Together now, 5, 6, 7, 8!
One minute to go!
God, what a show!
Twenty million people
Expecting something great
Twenty million?
Places everyone!
It's too late!
Let the costumes fit God
Please keep me on the staff
Make the show a hit God
Most of all, God, let the people laugh
Twenty awful seconds to prepare
You hold your breath
You pray for death
And then you're on the air!
Ninety little minutes to survive
In front of twenty million people
5, 4, 3, 2...
Welcome to The King Kaiser Comedy Cavalcade

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