Mark: I mean really . . .
Howard: Rant-rant-rant-rt-rt-rt-rant-nt . . .
Mark: You are . . .
you gotta tell me something . . .
I mean, seriously, I'm tellin' you, this is the first time that any of my girlfriends and I have ever met anybody really from Hollywood . . .
I mean . . .
really my girlfriend Jim and Ian and . . .
Aynsley and Bob and . . .
Frank . . .
I mean, none of us . . .
we've never . . .
Howard: Pleased to meet you . . .
Ian: Hi Howie
Mark: We've never met a pop star from Hollywood . . .
tell me something: have you ever met Davy Jones . . .
or . . .
Howard: No . . .
Mark: . . .
or Bobby Sherman?
Howard: No, I . . .
Mark: I mean . . .
David Cassidy, he's so . . .
Howard: No . . .
Jimmy Greenspoon, and once I . . .
Mark: Three Dog Night?
Howard: Yeah . . .
Mark: Oh!
I love them!
They're my favorite band!
oh gawd . . .
oh, do you like my new car . . .?
My dad just gave it to me for graduation
Howard: Oh, yeah . . .!
It's a . . .
it's a Fillmore, isn't it?
Real futuristic, ah . . .
I dig the fins . . .
listen: do you know how to get to the, ah, Holiday Inn from here?
Mark: No, ah . . .
which one is it?
Howard: (Burp) . . .
excuse me . . .
It's . . .
it's . . .
it's the one by the airport . . .
you know . . . 'cause we gotta . . .
we gotta get up early an' . . .
fly outta here in the morning, you know?
Mark: Oh!
Oh, I didn't know that . . .
(Oh, yeah!)
Mark: Where . . .
where d'you guys play tomorrow night?
I mean . . .
I'd like to come maybe . . .
in your bus or somethin' . . .
Howard: Yeah?
(In the BUS!)
Howard: Come in the bus, huh?
Tomorrow we're in ah, let's see . . .
Tierra del Fuego
Mark: Oh . . .
You're so professional, Howie!
Howard: Oh, it's not . . .
Mark: Howie, I mean . . .
Howard: It's nothing . . .
Mark: I mean the way you're gettin' to p . . .
to play n all these exotic places, I mean . . .
Howard: Yeah
Mark: Tell me something, tell me and all my girl— TELL me . . .
do you really have a hit record . . .
on the charts now . . .
with a BULLET?
I mean that's really important to me . . .
Howard: Listen, honey . . .
would I lie to you just to . . .
get in your pants?
Mark: He-Hey!
Listen!
Jim: Hey, hey . . .
Mark: Hey, listen to me . . .
tell him: WE ARE NOT GROUPIES!
Howard: No, I never . . .
I never said that. . .
Mark: We're not groupies!
You better understand . . .
I told Robert Plant it, I told Elton John, I told all those big guys . . .
Howard: Robert PLANET?!
Mark: We are not groupies!
Howard: No, I never . . .
Mark: Roger Daltrey never laid a hand on me!
Howard: No, I never . . .
I . . .
it's obvious to see why . . .
Listen, I've never . . .
Mark: And my . . .
Jim: Howard . . .
Mark: Tell him!
Tell him right now!
Jim: We only like musicians for f-friends, you know?
FZ: Real straight arrow, Howie
Mark: Really . . .
just for friends, Howie . . .
Jim: But we still like you
FZ: Yeah, we wouldn't mind coming in your bus, though
Jim: I mean, we still want to hear your record . . .
Howard: Listen you chicks, now didn't . . .
didn't you just say that you got off bein' juked with a BABY OCTOPUS . . .
and spewed upon with creamed corn . . .
an' that your harelipped dyke-o bass-playing girlfriend on the backseat had to have it with a Yoo-hoo bottle or she went apeshit . . .?!
Mark: Oh . . .
Howard: What's the deal, baby?
Mark: Howie!
Howard: Come on . . .
Mark: Howie, listen to me, all that's true . . .
Howard: Come across, like . . .
you know?
Mark: I swear, all that's true, and sometimes I even dig it with a Dr.
Brown's Cream Soda . . .
or a Cel-Ray!
But . . .
we are not groupies!
No matter what you think . . .
Howard: No, I never . . .
Mark: We are not groupies . . .
Howard: You see, there seems to be some kind of a communications problem, honey, because I . . .
I'm a lonely guy from outta town, you know, an' . . .
an' I want some ACTION . . .
what . . .
what I'm talkin' about is, I wanna . . .
a-a steaming, succulent, ever-widening, gooey, drippy, runny kind of a hole with a . . .
with . . .
how shall I put this . . .?
What say we hop in the trunk of your Gremlin AN' GET OUR ROCKS OFF?
Mark: Hey!
Hey-hey-hey-heyyyy . . .
Jesus!
FZ: Very agile, Howie, very agile!
Mark: I'm in this band, man . . .
I am in this band no matter what we do up here . . .
you know . . .
Now listen, it just so happens . . .
Howard: Yeah . . .
Mark: Tonight me and my girlfriends, I mean, we've all come here for one thing tonight . . .
Howard: Yeah?
Mark: Looking for a guy . . .
And we're looking for a guy from a group . . .
Howard: Wow!
Mark: BUT HE'
S GOTTA HAVE A DICK!
Howard: NO!
Mark: AND HE'
S GOTTA HAVE A DICK THAT'
S A MONSTER!!
Howard: WAAAAAAAAH . . .!
That's me!!
That's me!
Oh . . .
Oh, you voluptuous Manhattan Island clit . . .
FZ: I swear he was a Manhattan Island . . .
Howard: Take me, I'm yours, you hole . . .
fulfil my . . .
wildest dreams!
Mark: Ooooh!
Anything for you, my most seductive, seclusive . . .
pop star of a man . . .
Howard: Yeah?
Mark: Picture this if you can
Howard: Oh . . .
Mark: Bead jobs!
Howard: Oh!
Mark: Knotted nylons!
Howard: Oh!
Mark: Bamboo canes!
Howard: Oh!
Mark: Three unreleased recordings of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young fighting in the dressing-room of the Fillmore East!
Howard: Oh!
Mark: One enchilada wrapped with pickle sauce shoved up and down in between a donkey's legs until he can't stand it no more . . .!
All this and more, Howie, including: an electric coolde pony harness, with fuel injection . . .
fuel injection . . .
fuel injection . . .
Howard: Oh . . .
my God, I . . .
I . . .
I can't stand it!
I mean . . .
I mean, do you understand the implications of what I'm saying?
I . . .
I CAN'
T STAND IT!
I CAN'
T STAND IT!
I CAN'
T STAND IT!
I CAN'
T STAND IT!
I CAN'
T STAND . . .
FEET ON FIRE . . .
M GOING HOME!
I GOTTA SEE MY BABY!
I GONNA . . .
SO HOT!
I CAN'
T STAND IT!
I CAN'
T STAND IT!
I CAN'
T STAND IT!
I CAN'
T STAND IT . . .
I CAN'
T STAND IT . . .
I CAN'
T STAND IT!
I CAN'
T STAND IT!
I CAN'
T . . .
OH NO!
OH . . .
GOD . . .!
I can't stand it!
Oh . . .
I really can't stand it . . .
please . . .
give it to me . . .
give it to me right here in the trunk of your Gremlin . . .
give me . . .
GIVE ME THE ENCHILADA WITH THE PICKLE SAUCE SHOVED UP AND DOWN THE DONKEY'
S ASS UNTIL HE CAN'
T COME ANYMORE!
Mark: Hey-hey!
Not until you sing me your big hit record!
And I wanna hear the big hit record, and I wanna hear it now, an' I wanna hear the big hit record now with a bullet!
With a bullet!
Howard: The bullet?
Mark: The BULLET!
The BULLET!
It's the part that gets me the hottest . . .
now sing me that record, and I wanna hear it right now or you ain't driving nowhere tonight, buddy . . .
Howard: Well . . .
I know when I'm licked . . .
all over . . .
Okay, baby: BEND OVER AND SPREAD '
Here comes my . . .
BULLET!!

SUBMIT CORRECTIONS