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Shut up!
Nobody speak or laugh or dance
âCause right now Iâm giving somebody else a chance
Tonight we have a very special guest
Itâs the heckler right there, heâs got some things on his chest
So give him, your attention- undivided attention
Like, pretend heâs a guest speaker at a shithead convention
Or pretend heâs on stage rocking the coliseum
Please down in front, I hope that everyone can see him
With no further ado, all of you
Please give a little love to you know who
All the way from the audience of tonightâs show
Ladies and Gentleman, I give to the heckler⦠Goâ¦
How do you do it dude?
Itâs like you got a gift
Worthy stream of consciousness, improvisational riffs
You can really face a challenge, where a coward would hide
I fucking call you a genius to which the heckler repliedâ¦
Shut up!
Iâm talking to the heckler in the house
Shut up!
Do us all a favor, just shut your mouth
Shut up!
Do you understand just what Iâm talking about?
Shut up!
Or get out
Shut up!
Or get out
Why do you do it? I donât know why dude
I wouldnât interrupt you at your fucking job at the drive through
Iâm on the bill tonight, Iâd like a chance to speak
And I think drunk douchebag is scheduled next week
You thought youâd get a couple laughs, you were hoping right
Well fuck you, itâs my show- go find an open mic
And Iâll even drive you to one if you promise to leave
Iâll refund your five bucks, even throw in a CD
Youâre a turd, youâre retarded, a retarded turd a re-turd
The kind of dick who thinks heâs funny screaming out Freebird
But donât do that joke now, donât even try it
Because A.) It isnât funny and B.) you didnât even right it
This is a solo act, not a duet
Comprende mi amigo? Am I getting through to you yet?
Did you think you found your niche?
Did you think itâd make you rich?
Did you think this was your pitch?
Youâre just the next most obvious rhyming wordâ¦
Shut up!
Iâve got a whole set, so let me finish it please
Shut up!
Do you have Touretteâs or similar disease?
Shut up!
Just do a couple shots and Iâll get your keys
Shut up!
Or just leave
Shut up!
Or just leave
Shut up!
I hope you break a leg, and a few bones
Shut up!
I hope you sense the sarcasm in my tone
Shut up!
Surprised that you arenât on a cellular phone
Shut up!
Or go home
Shut up!
Or go home
Look, youâre not clever
Maybe take your endeavors
And maybe take your shit away from me forever and ever and ever
And never bring it back to my shows, I suppose
It goes without saying that youâre staying till close
In the rest of your life, is your behavior the same?
Like, would you wear a fucking helmet to an Oakland Raiders game?
And then run out on to the field to intercept a pass?
You wouldnât- you know why?
âCause theyâd kill your fucking ass
Youâve got my attention, and that much I will concede
And Iâve been heckled by dipshits, some of whom could even read
But you, my new friend, youâre a very special breed
With low self-esteem, is it attention you need?
You know, thereâs a million hecklers just like you
And thereâs one at every show, pulling the same shit too
And I wrote this tune for everyone that ever gets through
But tonight, my new friend, I dedicate it to you
Shut up!
Youâre just talking youâve got nothing to say
Shut up!
Youâll get your moment soon, just not today
Shut up!
Iâll try to put this in the most delicate way
Shut up!
Or go away
Shut up!
Or go away
Shut up!
Iâm talking to the heckler in the house
Shut up!
Do us all a favor, just shut your mouth
Shut up!
Do you understand just what Iâm talking about?
Shut up!
Or get out
Shut up!
Or get out
Shut up!