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So I was walking into whole foods recently, I donât grocery shop there, itâs too expensive, but I love the smell of lavender so itâs where I get my laundry detergent. Normally when you walk into whole foods thereâs somebody outside with a clipboard like âHey you wanna help pandas keep getting boners?â On this day It was like âHey you wanna help overturn prop 8?â and imp like âehhâ I just wanted to shop I didnât want- huhehh. But I noticed there was a really old lady walking in behind me and I wanted to make sure she was asked as well like that I wasnât profiled âthis guyâs queer, heâll helpâ an sure enough she asked âmaam do you wanna help overturn prop 8?â âOoohhhâ Iâm like âexplain it to her.â âIts to make gay marriage legal in the state of California.â Sheâs like âohhhâ and I could just see 80 r 90 y! ears of sexist racist shit that sheâs had to put up with go round and round i'm praying she falls over dead like âCarpet munchers, no!â none of which happened, she signed it im an ass hole. Do you remember the commercials they ran? It was a little girl she came running home from school, and shed be like âmommy mommy mommy the teacher said when I get older I can marry a princess if I want to.â And theyâre like âwhatâre you gonna do when your kid says that?â and every parent in Californiaâs like âoh, weâre gonna have to talk to our kids? Sorry queers, nope.â Yea, thatâs esperanzas job. So I wanna hire the same little girl to do commercials for me in the state of Utah. And I want her to come running home and be like âmommy mommy mommy how come youâre nine years older than me? Because we learned math, and this doesnât add up. Mommy mommy mommy mommy,â sheâs calling out to all of her mothers, they start to come out of the cabinets in their l! ittle house on the prairie outfits. Trying to explain how open! minded they really are, compared to who? The Amish? Am I the only person that blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all of this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and Iâm like âhoho, fuck that, fill it up, fill it up, no no, im not gonna ride around in a buggy, its bad enough I have a four cylinder.â But I would like a fireless fireplace. I donât know how you did it Amish; apparently you teamed up with the wickens because that is magical. You know the economyâs in the toilet when the Amish can afford full page adds in every paper. Apparently butter is recession proof. Does anyone in hear even know what im talking about at this point? The Amish make this fireplace that doesnât plug in, thereâs no fire, but its pumping out heat, I assume thereâs a hamster in there losing his mind. Its no snuggie but itâs a good product. ! Yea somebody bought me a snuggie as a joke gift, hah, jokes on you, I enjoy it. Yea, I toss and turn at night and finally a blanket thatâs like ânuh uh, im gonna keep you warmâ its like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson, the perfect pressure. What upset me about the gift was thatâs all I received was one sage green snuggie when in fact I know it comes with 2 snuggies and 2 book lights those are values where the hell is the rest of my gift? Yea. You have until Christmas, or im coming to your house and ripping three quarters of your fat head off your wall. âNot big benâ yea. Ben shouldnât be in the bathroom with anyone. Ben rothlesberger is Tim tebow minus Jesus. Speaking of quarterbacks. Brett Favre. I love that everybody gave him so much grief to retire, are you kidding me? First of all, do you want me to fix the economy? Because I can, its very simple, you have to be prepared to work really hard for your entire life and eventually ! die. And itâs the ladder thatâs the biggest problem, no bo! dy dies. People live forever, people get to retire at 65 that was an age that was set when people would die at 66, 66 and a half, people live forever now and our economy cant afford that. I donât even know how old my grand parents are, but I know that they should be dead. And trust me, they donât wanna be alive either thereâs not a welcome mat at their front unit in Naples Florida thereâs a do not resuscitate nailed to their door. Iâm not making that up. If you knock on my grandparentâs house and you see one of them laying on the ground the only thing you are legally allowed to do is a finishing move. âDOOKENâ thatâs mine. Brett Favre should retire. Are you out of your mind, he makes million a year to play a game. â Yea im gonna keep playingâ âhey Brett the world thinks you should retireâ âyou said 12 million right? Yea, they can go fuck themselves.â I would never quit are you kidding me? What about 4 years heâs not good enough to be a starter but ! he can be a back up you know what that pays? About 4-5 million âoh, yep im gonna do that.â How bout 10 years not good enough to be a back up but he can be on the practice squad you know what that pays? About 850,000 âuh yep im gonna do that as well.â Play forever. Itd make the game more enjoyable. If people werenât allowed to retire? Athletes donât wanna quit either see some 70 year old return a punt, he gets hit he explodes and dies on the field with some honor.
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