The A is for my authority, which many players seem to question
Thinking theyâre somehow going to make me change my mind
B is for babies, which a lot of managers cry like after a decision has not gone their way
C is for the continual criticism I receive from the touchline
Get back in your technical area!
D is for the dunderheads who seem to think we have a conspiracy against their particular team
E is for the eerie silence which echoes around the ground when Iâve booked a home teamâs player and itâs obvious to everyone that he deserved it
F is the farce into which most games would descend if we werenât there
The G is for the gnarled face of someone whoâs on £90,000 a week and reckoned he should have had a throw in
H is for handball, which has to be intentional, and very rarely is
If only people would study the rules more
I is for innocence, pleaded by many a doe-eyed defender after theyâve just scythed down that tricky winger
J is for ju-jitsu, which I quite intend to display given a dark alley and some of the narky blerts Iâve encountered
K is for the kissing of the badge
How ridiculous that looks 6 months later when theyâre at another club
L is for lip reading, at which you donât have to be an expert to see how odious some people are
M is for the mistakes we sometimes make
Surely a bit of controversy is part of the gameâs appeal?
The N, the N is for the numbskull who during the Boxing Day game asks me what else I got for Christmas besides my whistle
âAn afternoon with your wife mateâ
The O is for offside, which many forwards tell me they simply could not have been
The P is for the penalty shootout
Great drama and no pressure on me
The Q is the quiet word which I sometimes need to have with some of the more fiery participants
I usually choose the word âpleatâ
R is for running backwards
A difficult skill which the pundits never seem to appreciate
S is for the suggestion that I should have shown a card of some sort to a player whoâs just been awarded a free kick
(Sorry I got all that wrong the S again, OK the S)
The S is the suggestion that I should show a card to an opponent
By a player whoâs been awarded a free kick
He himself is more in danger of getting one for that
T is for the twenty-one man brawl
Which is basically an embarrassing scene of pushing and shoving
U is for the umpire which I sometimes wish Iâd been instead
You never hear a cricket crowd chanting âwhoâs the bastard in the hat?â
The V is for vitriol, vilification, vendetta and volley of verbal abuse
Some good bird noises there Paul
W is for Walter Pidgeon
Whose Mr. Griffiths in âHow Green Was My Valleyâ
I may have started to sound like during this song
âWhere was the light I thought to see in your eye?â
He says that to a young Huw, played by Roddy McDowell
The X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my forehead
By a swarthy Portuguese centre half whom Iâve just dismissed
The Y is for Yate
The kind of town that referees come from
And the Z
Well the Z could be for Zidane, Zico, Zola, Zubizaretta, Zoff
Even Zondervan
But is in fact for the zest with which we approach our work
Without this zest for the game, we wouldnât become refs
And without refs, well â zero
See also Zatopek, Zeus
Zeal Monachorum
Had a caravan there â static â naturally
Wouldnât it be fun
If they gave the ref a gun
- :
- New Perspective
- Urge for Offal
- 90 Bisodol (Crimond)
- Cammell Laird Social Club
- Achtung Bono
- Trouble Over Bridgwater
- Back In The D.H.S.S.
- CSI:Ambleside
- McIntyre, Treadmore And Davitt
- Some Call It Godcore
- Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral
- Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road
- This Leaden Pall
- CSI: AMBLESIDE
- Acd
- Back In The D.H.S.S. / The Trumpton Riots E.P
- Back Again in the D.H.S.S. (Extra Tracks)
- Eno Collaboration E.P.
- The Peel Sessions: 1995-08-05
- The Peel Sessions: 1997-02-02